


Making Choices

by chunasandy726



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24486190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chunasandy726/pseuds/chunasandy726
Summary: Eve and Villanelle make a difficult decision, together and apart.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 1
Kudos: 61





	Making Choices

**Author's Note:**

> hey, this is my first fic! very excited to be joining the community, let me know how i did :)
> 
> credit to @somewhatdeaf for the idea of "Schrodinger's Eve"

The air smelled of smoke.

It was as though it was meant for them. They both thought that, simultaneously. They had a habit of assuming that the world spun in whatever direction would bring them closer.

Despite the surrounding roar of the city, all Eve could hear were Villanelle’s footsteps. Each step jolted her awake. She could hear purpose in her walk. It was neither slow nor fast, but it seemed to her as though Villanelle was running. 

She felt like running. She wanted to turn around and sprint towards that stupid yellow coat as fast as her legs could take her. But she resisted the urge. Maybe this really was what she needed. Who knew her better than Villanelle? She certainly didn’t know herself. So she took a step. And then another. 

........

As the wind blew in her hair, she could not believe what she had just done.

Leaving Eve like that? How could she. She’d betrayed herself, Eve was all she wanted, Eve was all she had. She was insane, she knew she was insane. This was insane. “Okay". she thought. “Calm down. This is the right thing to do, the right thing to do is never easy.” That’s why she had never taken that route, she didn’t know where to start, she could never grasp the idea of having so many people to keep track of, to have tabs on. To worry, all the time. It is so much easier to simply keep yourself alive. People are messy, and they cause problems, and it is easier to live without them. And why would you ever rely on someone to be there for you, no matter what? To never abandon you? She had come to realise it was too much to ask of a person. 

It was too much to ask of Eve.

Eve deserved love. She deserved happiness, she deserved laughter, she deserved all the nice shit that everyone is supposed to want. And Villanelle knew that she could not guarantee her that, as badly as she wished. She continued to walk. 

.......

Eve stared straight ahead as she stepped, her eyes narrowing into a sort of tunnel vision.

She could see the exit. The end of the bridge. All she would have to do is turn the corner, and begin anew. She heard the bustling of the people on the bridge, the sound of humanity as some might say. All of those steps and voices were so unfamiliar to her. She knew that she should not feel this way, about other people. She knew she should not view them as tickets to get what she wanted, as pawns in a sordid game of chess. Villanelle had caused that, and by walking away from her, she would lose that part of her. Turning this corner would be exactly what she needed to finally, finally get her life back on track, and regain the humanity that she knew she had, at some point. 

She could not believe that Villanelle had done this for her. How incredible. 

......

All she wanted to do was help her.

“She needs this.” Villanelle thought to herself. Suddenly, the image of Eve, standing in the train station, came into her head. She had looked so beautiful, and so bewildered. She couldn’t have possibly thought that she could catch her, why did she run? Was it just to see her? Did she really come all that way just to look at her, and wave?

An argument began to form. “Why would she have done that, if she does not really love me?” Villanelle thought. “She just wanted to see me. There was nothing to gain from that. She just wanted to see me and know I was there.” At that moment she thought about whipping around.

“It is more than that.” She stopped herself. “More than that has happened. I have hurt her, and I might hurt her again. She asked me to help her. I am helping her. To help her is to get her away from me. She doesn’t know what is good for her. This is what is needed.”

She felt a pang in her chest when she realised that she would never hear Eve say she loved her.

.....

“I love her.” Eve thought, quite dramatically.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I love her.”

Eve’s heart began to race and she once again thought about turning around.

“No.” she heard the words loud and clear in her mind. “No, it was obsession.”  
She could not argue with that, it was certainly an obsession. But couldn’t something so unhealthy somehow twist and wind its way into something beautiful? Villanelle had grown, and she had grown so much. There was no question anymore if she truly felt connection. Eve kept walking. The two of them had been through hell and back, they were equals in a way that felt otherworldly. Couldn’t there be a chance? Couldn’t she give her the benefit of the doubt? Niko had never looked at her like that, as though she were simultaneously made of marble and made of dust, as though marble would stand forever and never fade, and dust would blow away in the wind leaving nothing behind. 

The worst part was, they were finally getting to know each other. Before this, when they were just talking, just together, Eve had felt safe with her. She could not put it into words as the idea wrapped around its own absurdity. She liked making her laugh. She felt as though she could say anything, and Villanelle would understand. She had felt open for the first time in years. “I could have stood there all night and spoken with her” Eve thought. She wondered what sort of fun inside jokes the two would have come up with, what nicknames they’d invent for each other. Then she wondered what the absolute fuck was wrong with her. She stopped walking.

....

Two versions of Eve existed in her mind.

There was the one who left, and the one who stayed.

If she never turned around, she would never have to know which version of Eve was hers. 

She had a feeling, in the pit of her stomach, that Eve would not walk away. But she did not know, truly. That terrified her to her core. She trusted Eve and she knew Eve. Yet the world has ways of taking the people that you know and turning them into strangers. She could not blame Eve, if she did not turn around.

She pictured her standing there, waiting. A hopeful look on her face. Still as a statue, frozen in time. This Eve in this vision wanted nothing more than to hold Villanelle in her arms, and she would move Heaven and Earth for the chance. This Eve was saying “I am yours and you are mine, and nothing else matters.” This Eve she loved.

She then pictured Eve walking off the bridge and onto the sidewalk. This Eve wanted a better life, she needed to learn how to rejoin society. She just wanted peace, and she had grown afraid of the darkness inside of her. She would finally get the chance to breathe. Her affection for Villanelle was outweighed by her fear. This Eve would find a nice man, or god forbid, a nice woman, and live out the rest of her life as she was supposed to, and late at night, when she thought of that fatal moment on the bridge, she would think “It was difficult, but I know I did the right thing.” This Eve she loved.

She would never know which version of Eve she had walked away from, and because of this, both could peacefully exist in her mind. She would never have to come to terms with anything, because she would never know what choice Eve had made. This was the right thing.

She stopped walking. 

…

Eve took a deep breath, and made a choice. She could not let this woman disappear from her life. 

She saw Villanelle, facing the other way. 

“Turn around, please.” She thought. “Please god, turn around. I know you’ll turn around. You have to.”

..

“I have to know. I cannot live my life without knowing.” she thought.

She looked up at the night sky, at the moon above her. The air crackled. Something stirred beneath the ground. The wind whipped at her face. She drew in a breath, for courage, and turned around. 

Eve had never been so happy to see Oksana’s face in her entire life.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!


End file.
